Lupin the Woman
by Xoom
Summary: He never told me I was a girl.


ONCE THERE WAS WERE A MAN NAMED BOB. HE SLAPPED HIMSELF, AND REALIZED HIS NAME WAS REMUS. Remus Lizardtongue.

Long ago, his father Remus I had told him who his true mother was -- Voldemort. For Voldemort was a woman. Her true name was Rainbow Krystal Maryanne Tabitha Chuckles Justice Elene Jessica Tornado. Remus the younger had never met her, but he had apparently inherited her slitted eyes and forked tongue... ...for which he was eternally grateful. Human tongues disgusted him. With their resemblance to slugs.

When Remus was little, he would take his father's bottled powders that he found in the potion's room, and pour them on slugs, hoping that one of the powders was salt. But alas, none were, and the slugs would often levitate, grow to gigantic size, or turn purple, instead of bursting into the fizzy sizzling desired by Remus.

He was always very careful to hide or otherwise "dispose" of the slugs (His neighbor's cat was never quite the same) as his father was deathly afraid of them. Indeed, he was afraid of all marsupials. But that is a tale for another hologram.

One day, Remus (the younger) realized that the burning yearning he felt in his heart was not a need to kill all slugs -- it was in fact, a need to find her mother (Chuckles..thing...ladybug). Remus knew that if he accomplished this task, all would be well, and the neitghbor's cat might stop spewing laser beams. Remus had but one memory of his mother (versus the literally thousands of painful memories involving the cat, the cat's mother, and the water fountain, although to a lesser extent.) In this one memory, his mother was a large red kangaroo. Young little Remus would curl up inside her mother's pouch, feeling the heartbeats pounding as one. Until one day, Remus grew too large for the pouch.

That was the day it all went wrong. Sadly, that is where the memory ends, leaving poor Remus no clues with which to find his mother.

As he watched a slug burst into neon green and pink flames, Remus contemplated the reasoning behind his deathwish for all slug-king. Perhaps it was their squirmy ways... ,perhaps it was their rotund little bodies,perhaps it was the way they tasted.

Remus wanted to kill them all.

or perhaps it was the way they resembled his childhood inside of his tweed brain. Mmm. As he crunched upon a deep fried one, Remus contemplated possible moves he could make in his quest for motherhood.

It had been several years since his last chess game and and he had forgotten how most of the pieces moved so, when his famother asked him to play chess, Remus the younger kindly obliged, seeing as how she hadn't played chess for a very, very long time. Suddenly Remus Lizardtongue was pregnant!

Remus was delighted. The quest for motherhood was smoother than she had expected! Remus went into his bathroom and put on some fruity lip gloss. If only finding my own mother were so easy, he thought ponderously. He pouted cutely, to check his sexiness.

Sexiness in check, Remus hopped upon his broom, smoothed his skirts, and flew to Hogwarts, thus filling the Defense Against the Dark Arts teaching position (and thus breaking the 1-year curse with his sexiness). He waited patiently for the class finals to come, and the showdown to occur. When Remus was as big as a house from pregnancy, she...

could barely see his students. They didn't seem to mind, and even accepted his explanation of "i have a very large tumor in my bladder and it's building a castle for you all to live in." Truthfully, they would have accepted any reason, because the entire school was buzzing with SCANDALOUS RUMORS that George and Fred were seen making out at the Yule Ball, and would soon be pressing eachother's tuxes for prom. The entire student body had no time for an oddly pregnant professor. This diversion of attention left Remus with much time on his hands, time he could use to work on finding her mother.

He had so far tracked Voldemort's location to "somewhere in england," by hacking into Harry Potter's brain.

Harry Potter's brain wasn't very useful, as it turned out.

So, as Remus was walking down the stairs, she tripped and fell until she reached the dungeons. There, he saw, as the baby suddenly decided it was LABOR TIME, Harry Potter in the Ultimate Showdown with the Dark Lord (aka Remus Mommy).

Harry Potter was yelling quite loudly about his parents, or some crap like that. Remus was having trouble, like, walking. But she had to carry on! Remus had finally found Mommy!

As Mommy shouted something back at dum-Harry, Remus dragged his convulsing body towards the dueling pair. Curses flew, spells were cast, sparks jumped, and a shotgun went off. Remus screamed in pain as the head began to show, and the pain was unbearable. "MOOOOOOMMMMYYYYYYYYYYY" she cried.

Mommy turned towards Remus. "Son! You're alive! Oh...dear god is that...?" Mommy watched on in horrified terror as Remus simlutaniously expelled his tumor and died

"Remus! NOOOOOOOOO" screamed hermione from the balcony

then harry died


End file.
